EXTERNAL DRIVE

Last night (until about 2am) I was with these "unexpected new friends" in an unexpected dinner in an unexpected place which happened to be the house of one of these unexpected new friends. How did I end up hanging out with them late at night? Spontaneity, it kills me everytime but I enjoy it. By the way, there were four of us.  To begin with, we have been classmates since first year college but we never had the chance to be close friends. Maybe I have been in casual talks and some kind of bonding with them but we never had the opportunity to know each other deeper. We had our different cliques that seemed impenetrable if one was left alone with a barkada to which he/she did not belong. That was the case until this year.  Due to unlikely circumstances, I have been attached to these people even if they did not belong to my barkada and I did not belong in theirs. It started with small chats, jokes and then eating with them until hanging out. We became open to each othe...

When one door closes, another opens. True. You’ve come into my life fast. I welcomed you easily and hoped that “it” will be consistent. Well, I guess I made the wrong move. I should have trusted my instinct. From the start, I felt something was wrong. Everything was fast but I told myself that life is full of surprises. You were one of those surprises, yes, but I thought you were one of the good ones. I thought wrong. Maybe I overanalyzed everything and I hoped for so much. I hoped that you liked me. I hoped that you found me interesting. I hoped that you wanted to know me more. I hoped that you enjoyed the times that we’re together. For some reason I hoped for these but deep in me, I know that I should not. You have no reason to be attached with me. Yes, you have none. I don’t have to enumerate my imperfections because in the past, almost everyday, I thought of them. I am exhausted frustrating myself for so long. TORTURE I think I learned how to deal with th...

I feel nothing right now but confusion and uncertainty. I have been living by the mantra, “When you want it, work on it” and I have been trying to be a living proof of that mantra as much as possible. In fact, the past three and a half years has been a journey full of that mantra – not until this day came. When I was in elementary, I dreamt of being a teacher and almost everyday of my life at that age, I tried to be closer to my dream. I even tried to be an instant teacher. I wrote on the walls of my room, called my sisters for my lecture, used a stick to point at the board, gave quizzes and dismissed my class. As I got older, I suddenly wanted to be a doctor. I do not know how it came to my mind. I just blurted out that one day, I will become one until high school came. During high school, I then wanted to be a lawyer – again, for no certain reason. All I knew was that I liked to be one. Then, alas! Fate led me to pursue a health-related degree and not a long time from n...

They say MOTHERS KNOW BEST. I have to disagree with this sometimes but one thing is certain for me – MOTHERS CARE BEST . After about more than a month, my mother arrived here from the province. She brought not only REAL FOOD but also a bunch of stories from home and a lot of questions as well. Like we always do, we talked over lunch and dinner. We shared stories and yes, it’s as if we do not talk over the phone because we really rarely do. I’m not a fan of having to elaborate stories over the phone or through messaging. It’s just that it’s hard to describe things when your facial expressions and gestures are not seen by who you’re talking to. Anyway, it was indeed a juicy talk. We discussed some serious matters like academics and my sister’s adjustment here in the city but we discussed more not-so-serious things like the Maroon 5 concert,  the UAAP Cheerdance Competition, the last Nursecissism, and others. That was the story part. The question part? Well, she just ask...

I find it hard to work when I’m at the peak of my emotions. That is why I allotted time to publish this entry and release how happy I am right now. One of the best things I learned in college is teamwork. I admit, in high school and even in my earlier years in college, I felt that I was most efficient working alone. I preferred doing things my way in my time. I did not want control and I did not care about how others will do what. However, college life exposed me enough to reality: No man is an island. In our college, we are trained to work as and with a team. I did not like having to deal with different personalities but certain people from my batch taught me how to be a team player. I experienced how they treat each one of us as equals. They showed that no contribution is considered less than another. They considered every effort from the batch significant. They did their part for the batch. They gave their all. They did this even in our earlier years unlike me, w...

Pakiramdam ko, may mali. Pakiramdam ko, ang bilis ng lahat. Pero baka feeler lang ako. Talaga lang sigurong mahilig akong magduda sa mga bagong taong dumadating sa buhay ko. Dati-rati, hindi naman tayo ganito ka-close. Dati, isa ka lang sa mga kakilala ko. Isa ka lang sa mga schoolmates ko. Isa ka lang sa mga nasasalubong ko sa corridor. Pero bakit dahil lang sa isang pagkakataon, biglang parang may nagbago. Parang may naglevel-up. Kung dati, nagbabatian lang tayo kapag nagkakasalubong, ngayon, ang tagal nating mag-usap magkasama man tayo o hindi. Kung dati, nagkikita lang tayo dahil nagkataong imbitado tayo sa iisang event, ngayon, nagkakayayaan tayong gawin ang mga normal na bagay kahit walang event.  Kumbaga dati, nagkakausap at nagkikita lang tayo dahil sa kone-koneksyon sa ibang tao. Ngayon, nagkikita at nag-uusap tayo nang tayo lang. Hindi ko alam kung ba’t ganon. Siguro dahil nag-eenjoy lang tayo na pareho tayong bago sa isa’t isa. Siguro dahil pareho lang tayong w...

Tulad ng dati, papers night ko ulit kagabi dahil wala akong nagawa buong araw noong isang araw. Buti na lang nakayanan kong maging gising magdamag dahil iyon din ang huling gabi ng isa sa mga kaibigan ko sa Pilipinas bago lumuwas ang pamilya nila papuntang America. Okay na rin sa akin na nagkaroon pa 'ko ng ilang oras para makakulitan or makaasaran siya. Hindi buong batch namin ng high school e nagkaroon ng ganoong pagkakataon. Hindi naman kami sobrang sobrang sobrang close pero apektado akong umalis siya. Sa totoo lang, naiyak pa’ko noong mga huling oras na kausap ko sya. At least, napatunayan kong hindi lang paghihiwa ng sibuyas ang makakapagpaiyak sa akin (see Nagbalat lang ako ng sibuyas... ) Masasabi kong hindi kami sobrang sobrang sobrang close kasi hindi naman kami masyadong nagkakausap nang seryoso kaya hindi ko rin alam kung ano ang tumatakbo sa isip nya tungkol sa mga bagay-bagay pero masasabi kong close kami kasi mas madalas naman kaming hindi nagkakasundo (o pabirong...

Again, this is a night for my... PAPERS! What else, right? At least for now, the bulk has been less than before but the thought of fatigue has always been the same. I usually think that I have given more than enough  and that I deserve to take a break. Of course that is true but I tend to think that way more often than I should.  This semester, when I have something to do, I tell myself, "You poor little child. You've been through a lot the past hours. Have a rest please." Unsurprisingly, my id has been consistently convincing lately. I sleep even though I just meant nap. I intend to wake up an hour after but still I wake up five hours later, thus giving me an hour or two to do those papers before I go on duty~ and this is the part I hate the most. CRAMMING. This is my major problem as of now because I know I could do better. I blame my lack of motivation and the sense of fatigue for this but fortunately, I am not supposed to lament about that for now.  I just fo...

Sir, noong unang beses pa lang na umapak ka sa room namin para sa subject na Behavioral Foundations in Health and Illness (Psychology part) noong 1st year, nakuha mo na ang atensyon ko – hindi dahil sa ikaw ang professor kundi dahil sa porma at sa tikas mo. Sir, noong unang beses na naglecture ka sa klase namin, bumilib na’ko sa’yo  – hindi dahil sa porma at tikas mo kundi dahil sa katalinuhan mo. Sir, noong unang beses mong nagpaexam sa klase namin, lalo pa akong namangha sa’yo – hindi dahil madali ang exam mo kundi dahil napagbigyan mo ang ilan sa’min pati ako kahit na hindi kami sumunod sa instructions. At dahil bago pa lang ako noon sa Facebook, inadd agad kita at ikaw ang unang professor na naging FB friend ko. At dahil bago pa lang ako noon sa Facebook, naging malaking bagay na para sa’kin ang maging friend ka sa Facebook. Kayo po ang unang una kong hinangaang professor sa kolehiyo. Kayo po ang unang naging modelo para sa akin. Kayo po ang unang taong naging...

Science. Technology. Society. STS. Sa totoo lang, hindi ko gamay ang mga pinag-uusapan namin (o NILA) sa subject na’yan dahil hindi ko gusto kung pa’no hinahandle ng professor namin ang subject. Video, tapos magsasabi sya ng mga ideya nya na hindi ko alam kung saang lupa nya hinukay, reporting, salita sya, tapos pag tulog na kami, biglang may quiz. Ilang beses na rin naman akong bumagsak sa kahit anong klase ng exam sa iba't ibang subject pero sa kanya lang ako nagkazero sa quiz by choice. Kumbaga, mas pinili kong matulog at nagpasa lang ako ng papel para sa attendance. Pero totoo yatang may himala. Nakinig ako sa kanya kanina. Parang biglang nagka-sense ang mga sinasabi nya. Bigla akong naging interesado. Nag-umpisa ‘yon nung pinag-isip nya kami ng produktong iaadvertise namin by the year 2025. Hindi ako mahilig sa sci-fi pero may mangilan-ngilang movies din naman akong napanood na techy kaya may ideya ako sa kung anong pwedeng mangyari sa hinaharap. Sa totoo lang, h...

I finally had my house built - a simple two-storey dainty-colored house that is energy-saving through the use of transparent glass with ornamental plants inside and a swimming pool. I have a backyard within which my black labrador and I play around. I drive my elegant silvery car to my clinic and routinely brief myself for the clients who seek for the service of their cosmetic surgeon, yours truly. I financially earn from my job and I stay rich because of my job. Seems perfect right? It does not end there because I have my boyfriend whom I met way back in our medical school and we are happy with how our relationship is doing. I feel nostalgic thinking about how I used to be before I had this success. When I think about my current life, I still find it hard to believe that I’ve become what I have become. Then I realize, “Yeah, you really don’t have to believe it right now.”  I am in a school service car seated beside my sister and we’re heading home from our high school. I a...

Totoo nga ang mga nabasa ko sa Yahoo. Maraming benefits ang maagang gumigising. Nakapag-exercise ako kasama ang mga kaibigan ko at nakapag-almusal ako. Dadalawang activities yan pero ang dami ko nang tawa at mga naisip sa loob ng dalawang oras na exercise at isang oras na pagkain kasama na ang pagluluto. At nang mga panahong yan, pinakanakapag-isip ako habang naghihiwa ng sibuyas. Nahawa siguro ako sa nabasa kong blog kagabi. Puro kasi sentimyento ng isang single ang topic nya. Halatang halata na torpe sya at iyon ang hindi ko maintindihan, kesyo langit daw si babae at lupa sya. Naisip ko, buti pa nga sya, dahil sa lalaki sya, may freedom syang ligawan ang gusto nyang ligawan. Kilala ko kasi iyong blogger na 'yon at masasabi kong hindi naman sya 'yong tipong dapat na matorpe dahil marami syang pwedeng ipagmalaki. Ako, ang tanda ko na pero umaasa pa rin akong may fairy tale. [At gandang ganda pa rin ako sa Fairy Tail. Naghihintay na’ko ng next episode.] Umaasa ak...

Kagagaling ko lang sa mall kasama ang kapatid ko. Haay, mahirap talaga kapag sale. Nabubutas ang bulsa ko pero masaya naman. Anyway, noong pauwi, ang haba ng pila sa sakayan ng jeep. Pero okay lang, wala na sa isip ko iyon kasi aliw na aliw naman ang utak ko kaiisip ng mga nabili namin. Habang nasa pila, may nakasabay kaming dalawang lalaking pusong babae. Aliw na aliw ako sa kanila na pagdating na pagdating pa lang namin e pinauna ko na sila. Itago natin sila sa mga pangalang B1 at B2. Si B1, moreno, medyo kulot, chinito, katamtaman ang pangangatawan, at siguro nasa mga 5’4” ang height. Si B2, mas maputi nang kaunti kay B1, katamtaman ang laki ng mata, may bigote, mas mababa ng mga 1” kay B1. Basta, mas mukhang lalaki o hindi mo aakalaing bading si B2 kung hindi sya magsasalita. Napansin ko ring parehong fit na polo shirt at skinny jeans na panlalaki at flip flops ang suot nila. Hindi naman sa chismosa ako pero hindi ko rin maiwasang marinig na may tinitext si B1 at kabado si B2 pa...

A smile for a smile. I was in my complete uniform that day, from head to toe. I did not wear my ID since I had my nameplate on.  I was heading back to the university from our clinical duty. When I was about to enter one of the university gates, the security guard stopped me and asked, "ID mo?" Well, I just smiled at him and rummaged through my fullpacked bag for my ID. As I showed him my ID, he smiled back at me and asked, "Anong year mo na?" "Fourth year po," I answered. "Wow, graduating ka na pala. Galingan mo," he said. Then I replied, "Salamat po. Good day, Kuya." It made my day even though everything that happened before our conversation was full of distress and worries. Such exchange of words was different and perhaps, unusual. Most students would negatively react if they were in the same situation. Maybe, a little positivity with a bit of "putting yourself in his situation" helped. He was a security guard and o...

Nasimulan ko nang magsulat ng mga pinagmumuni-munihan ko sa ilang pahina ng notebook ko noong high school at sa Microsoft Word ng laptop ko. Sinabi ko na doon ang mga bagay-bagay na gusto ko sanang ibahagi pero wala akong mapagsabihan. Kung tutuusin, ang sabi ko noon, hindi ko kailangan ng blog kasi hindi namang kailangang mabasa ng ibang tao ang mga sinusulat ko. Pero sa ngayon, ang sabi ko naman, wala namang mawawala kung i-post ko online ang mga gusto kong isulat. Wala namang kasiguraduhang may makakabasa at makakahanap ng blog na to. At kung may makakatsamba man at kung may mamalasing makakabasa nito, hindi naman niya ako kilala. Sana lang, sa mga maisusulat ko dito, may makaintindi at may matutunan din kahit pano ang makakatsambang basa nito.