Please explain, Mister

When one door closes, another opens.

True.

You’ve come into my life fast. I welcomed you easily and hoped that “it” will be consistent. Well, I guess I made the wrong move.

I should have trusted my instinct. From the start, I felt something was wrong. Everything was fast but I told myself that life is full of surprises. You were one of those surprises, yes, but I thought you were one of the good ones. I thought wrong.

Maybe I overanalyzed everything and I hoped for so much. I hoped that you liked me. I hoped that you found me interesting. I hoped that you wanted to know me more. I hoped that you enjoyed the times that we’re together. For some reason I hoped for these but deep in me, I know that I should not. You have no reason to be attached with me.

Yes, you have none. I don’t have to enumerate my imperfections because in the past, almost everyday, I thought of them. I am exhausted frustrating myself for so long. TORTURE

I think I learned how to deal with those imperfections and accept myself as I am.

But times like these trigger me to think of them again, to question why I am like this, and to hate myself for who I am.

I expected too much from you but you did not satisfy what I expected.

Why did I expect so much?

From the beginning, I knew you’re not the personality I like. You’re the good boy – way too good from what I like. I think you’re even more graceful than I am, more industrious, more of a house-person that I am. You are gentler than I am. You are more feminine than I am. Overall, I know for myself that you are too good that I won’t like you. But why did I dictate myself to like you? Was I that desperate to have a relationship? Was I desperate to prove to myself that I am desirable?

Or did you give me the reason to hope for something that was never possible?

Maybe you did not but I misinterpreted how you acted. We went out. We talked. We chatted. We texted. You gave an explanation whenever you were not able to contact me. You asked me everytime how I was. You seemed concerned. That was it. I was stupid to think that those meant deeper than friendship, that there was a hidden agenda.

I was wrong. I was perhaps indeed desperate.

Since the day I felt left by you, I have been asking myself what’s wrong with me. Based on my history, I being the one left is the trend.

I keep on asking why is everything happening over again. It’s a cycle.

Was I fast-paced?

I think not. I depended on how you treated me. In fact, I tried to avoid you because I felt something was wrong. Still, I ended up hoping there was something more for us.

Was I a mess? What did I do wrong? What’s wrong with me?

I always end up looking for my fault, blaming myself.

From my experiences, no one ever told me or explained why he left me. I was just left without me knowing why. I did not know who to blame, what to fix, where to begin. I was left confused. I ended up analyzing what I did wrong or what I failed to do.

That is how you move me. You keep me off balance as of now. You make me unstable. You make me doubt my identity.

You make me feel insecure.

I hate this feeling but I can’t stop it.

Where did I go wrong? What did I do? What didn’t I do?

Please tell me everything. I’m not a mind reader. Be fair. Be a man for me this one last time.

Thank God he gave me not only you, but also my friends - particularly the new ones whom I did not imagine to be friends with me.

In the middle of these self-esteem issues I have, there they are, keeping me sane. They do not verbalize how much they love me but I can feel it. I can feel they accept me for who I am. It shows – be they old or new friends. I am glad with the people around me now. I am thankful that I am given the chance to know these people.

I may not be fortunate with things like this for now but I am deeply grateful for the security my friends give me.