Impulsively written. Anxious.

I feel nothing right now but confusion and uncertainty.

I have been living by the mantra, “When you want it, work on it” and I have been trying to be a living proof of that mantra as much as possible. In fact, the past three and a half years has been a journey full of that mantra – not until this day came.

When I was in elementary, I dreamt of being a teacher and almost everyday of my life at that age, I tried to be closer to my dream. I even tried to be an instant teacher. I wrote on the walls of my room, called my sisters for my lecture, used a stick to point at the board, gave quizzes and dismissed my class. As I got older, I suddenly wanted to be a doctor. I do not know how it came to my mind. I just blurted out that one day, I will become one until high school came. During high school, I then wanted to be a lawyer – again, for no certain reason. All I knew was that I liked to be one.

Then, alas! Fate led me to pursue a health-related degree and not a long time from now, I will be having the chance of pursuing medicine. I already inquired in the school that I plan to apply for. I got the list of their requirements. There were a lot of requirements and I am working on it. Despite the demanding schedule of my college now, I see to it that I give time working on the papers required for med school but it seems that luck does not go with me. I went back to this agency many times to get one of those requirements and nothing happened. There’s no progress.

I am starting to think that I’m only wasting my time and I’m working on nothing. I am beginning to realize that I am investing my time on something that I will never have at the time that I want.

Yes, “at the time that I want” because I don’t want delays. I am usually patient but for this matter, I am not.

 If I am not going to pursue medicine by next year, I have no option in mind but to start working as a nurse because I don’t want my time to be wasted. I don’t want to be left unproductive. However, no matter how I want it that way, I am worrying that I won’t be able to have a job. Is this just me or everyone also feels this way at a point in their lives?

By the way, I sound or seem like there’s no other med school aside from the one I’m talking about here. It’s because it’s the only school I know that has quality education at a cheap price. As much as possible, I am rooting for this kind of a university so that I can lessen my family’s financial burden considering that I should already be working at that time.

Okay, I treat this feeling anxiety. I am thinking much far ahead but I think it’s reasonable to do so. I know planning is one thing I’m worst of doing so I must prepare for this as much as I can. And now as I type this, I realize that I cannot prepare because in reality, I cannot control anything. Then I remember my professor who described Plato’s works. According to him, it’s better that you set what is ideal so that you’ll still know to which standard you should adhere and you’ll know how to get nearly perfect.

Anyway, that’s out of this issue.

After all those failed attempts for the accomplishment of the requirements, I begin reconsidering my plan. Should I still pursue medicine (not in that school) or practice nursing?

Of course I begin with the consequences of taking medicine. Advantages? I want it. Disadvantages? I am not confident with my skills. It takes a long time to finish. It will be toxic just like or more than my undergraduate degree. I will have less time for social life. I will be old by the time I’ll have a degree for specialization. By the time that I’m a doctor, my job will not only be confined in the hospital. I will also be dealing with families or patients calling for an emergency. I doubt that I will be a good doctor.

When I practice nursing, I can immediately use what I learned from my current degree. I will be financially productive which I am very much excited for. I will be able to “control” my social life although not entirely. When I work, my job will only be confined in the hospital during my shift – meaning, more time to sleep or go out. As a bonus, I can also pursue my graduate studies. That sounds a good plan right? The only thing bothering me is that I am uncertain if I’ll have a job immediately.

Immediately? Yes, I have to plan time-bound. There’s no time to waste. I want it immediately...but still, if I pursue medicine, I am not going to have a job. And after I graduate medicine, just in case, immediate job is not certain too.

And that’s it, I get it. I am only anxious of facing the world of reality months from now; of getting out of the confines and security of being a dependent student; of having to live by yourself, providing for yourself, enjoying the sweet taste of your hardwork (hopefully).

THIS ISN’T RELATED TO THE TOPIC ANYMOOOOOREEEEEE...

Another issue that I have today is that I wanted a friend’s company for catharsis but no one was available. Yes, my friends and I have different schedules from each other and most of them, as of now, are busy with more important things. I will just bother them when I share and I’ll only transfer the negativity to them. Of course, I understand our circumstances but it’s just that I long for that friend who’ll listen to my ranting while he/she also rants and I listen.