Cents

I finally had my house built - a simple two-storey dainty-colored house that is energy-saving through the use of transparent glass with ornamental plants inside and a swimming pool. I have a backyard within which my black labrador and I play around. I drive my elegant silvery car to my clinic and routinely brief myself for the clients who seek for the service of their cosmetic surgeon, yours truly. I financially earn from my job and I stay rich because of my job. Seems perfect right? It does not end there because I have my boyfriend whom I met way back in our medical school and we are happy with how our relationship is doing.

I feel nostalgic thinking about how I used to be before I had this success. When I think about my current life, I still find it hard to believe that I’ve become what I have become. Then I realize, “Yeah, you really don’t have to believe it right now.” 

I am in a school service car seated beside my sister and we’re heading home from our high school. I am living in a simple two-storey house without the transparent glass, the swimming pool, and the backyard. I have a dachshund which I play around with in our garage for our old family car. I am a high school student.

Since high school, I usually end up realizing that I am daydreaming. Really, my watch seems to stop ticking when my thoughts go wild, when I build my future in my mind. It still happens - everytime. 

I was fond of seeing myself wealthy, in love, and happy in the future. It felt good. The thought of it was stimulating. But now, I realize that I did not focus on the specific details behind it. I did not think of how I will be able to get through college and to that future. I did not think of the possible employment problems that may arise and that may hinder me from earning. I saw myself as a doctor but never imagined myself having sleepless nights over tons of papers and books. I saw the fabric but never peeked through the patterns.

Graduating from college may sound simple but it is indeed a very large picture full of experiences that should be maximized. These experiences vary in themes and emotional content. They may be heaven or hell. Unfortunately, most of the time, I feel like I am in hell. I never expected that college life would be as hard as this. I did not expect that in college, I will be expected to seize the impossible. Indeed, I did not anticipate the miniature details behind what college is.

Yes, I write these things as if I am new to college. I write as if I haven’t been to much more hell than what I am going through right now. Well, I have to correct, I think I have been to the deepest hell of college in the past three years or should I say, I am used to this hell that I even do not feel it now. Anyway, it is just now that I seem to lack motivation in what I do. I cannot figure out what is happening with me but I noticed that I am being passive with what I do in school lately. I seem to feel the fatigue that I should have felt last year but have not.  Have my frustrations accumulated? Are they hunting me now? This reminds me of my high school years, when everything was so easy and everything was just fun. I miss that kind of life. I cannot help wanting it back even though I  know that this hardwork will pay off. 

Within at least four years, I learned that there are things secondary to academics that  I should devote time to even though they are not related to my goal of graduating on time – my extra-curricular activities. Unfortunately, I did not learn this earlier. My goal was narrowed to getting through college.

I did not deal with these extra-curricular activities until I realized that I need them. I need them because I deem them important and helpful for my growth as a whole person. I need them because they keep me from being completely manipulated by those academic works (although they still do manipulate me). I need them because I feel balanced when I do them.

Included in these activities are those that I label as “altruistic acts”. I call them altruistic because these acts benefit not only myself but others as well. I plan to accomplish them at least once while I am in college and to continue doing so even after I graduate.

First of these acts is to participate in charity work like organizing orphanage programs, medical missions, or relief operations for disaster victims. I am happy because I am able to do this recently. Second, I would like to donate my blood for whatever good purpose it may serve. Unfortunately, I just had my anti-rabies vaccine last January, so I will not be able to accomplish this within this academic year. It is a requirement that a person can donate blood only after a year of his/her anti-rabies vaccination. Last, I would like to plant a tree or trees. Even I cannot explain why I was not able to do this in the province but it will really be a dream-come-true when I will be able to do so.

I used to spontaneously go with time. I used to dream so high, so high that I did not see what were in between now and the future. I used to have the only dream of being successful as a doctor. It was only upon my immersion in this college life crisis that I realized how narrow my perspective of my future was. Maybe, it’s late for me to have these goals concretely formulated but I am still grateful that I am made to realize what I really want when I still have the time. These goals currently contribute to my motivation to at least make an effort to get through college and make that higher dream come true. Yes, the whole is greater than its parts but the whole is also incomplete without even a part of it just as a million pesos does not make a million without a cent.