Meant for a different frontline

Train sings to my ears, 

“Play that song

That will make me go all night looong.”

All night long. I have been trying to be productive for some nights long now. I have been reading, attempting to catch my school backlogs up, preparing for exams. At the same time, I have been worrying. 

It has been long since the last time I wrote, or more precisely, blogged. A lot has happened which are not entered here and for which I’ll find time and gather feelings to write. 

A summary would be that after my research associate stint in UP-NIH, I worked as a nurse in PGH. I think this was my last life move that was according to my plan. The next steps I took were all impulsive.

A year later, I enrolled for a Master’s degree in Special Education from which I eventually quit. I was interested with the field but a mere interest did not motivate me enough to brave through the Taft-Diliman traffic thrice a week after toxic shifts at work. 

On my third year as a nurse in PGH, I decided to enroll in law school. This might be a shocker but yes, I did and I’m still thriving to thrive. I need a separate entry about this decision and my experience so far. 

After a little less than six years in service, I resigned from work in order for me to concentrate on my studies and due to health concerns. 

Gosh, simply telling that I had this PGH chapter in my life brings so much memories, reminds me of so much emotions. This calls for a separate entry as well.

Almost at the same time when I resigned, a novel coronavirus disease (COVID-19) emerged and later became a pandemic. 

We have been in home quarantine for 70+ days now as imposed by the government and things have not been easy (but not quite as hard as the extreme experiences of the less fortunate). This lockdown has turned me into a huge uncertainty given a small human frame.

I have been reflecting, regretting, consoling, encouraging myself all at the same time. If only worrying was a course, I would have aced it. 

I have been worrying because as far as I understand what’s happening, Philippines is nowhere near from winning against this pandemic. COVID-19 is like Thanos with the gauntlet and infinity stones defeating the Avengers in Endgame except that the Philippines did not even reach the point of nearly removing the gauntlet from Thanos. We are, sadly, not giving a good fight.

The daily dose of bad news has been consuming my sanity, turning my hair from black to white. Frowning and cursing have been my default facial and verbal expressions. In general, this lockdown has been full of fear, uncertainties, frustrations, anger, helplessness, and hopelessness. 

In the first days of this lockdown, I felt regret and guilt. I felt that this time was supposed to be when I should be serving in the hospital - when nurses like myself are needed the most. I shouldn’t have resigned. I felt useless because I was not in the frontlines when I was very capable to help. My emotional patriotic self was telling me to go back, to volunteer, but my rational self was telling me otherwise.

I, then, finally resolved that perhaps, the job was not meant for me to do. I was spared from what my colleagues are unfortunately experiencing now for a reason or for some reasons. I did not have to worry of risking my family’s safety by going on duty and then socializing with them. I did not have to leave my siblings for work. I did not have to leave my dog. Perhaps, I am meant for something else and I hold onto this belief - whether it be true or just my mind trying to cope. 

After such resolution, I figured I should get going while feeling all these unwanted emotions. I thought that I’d prefer making myself pre-occupied with something productive than with worries that make me more insane day by day. 

So now, I am trying to turn these frustrations and anger that I have towards the government into fuel for my goal of becoming a good and just lawyer. I choose to believe that I am not in the frontlines now because I am meant to be in the frontlines for justice in the near future. I choose to believe that this country will need me more in the future in my capacity as a lawyer. 

Thus, here I am, currently listening to Train, playing songs that make me go all night long, listening to This’ll Be My Year even though it’s not, flipping through the pages of this book in Labor Law until I reach tonight’s reading quota.

This is the official music video of “Play That Song” by Train, my current LSS, hehe.