EXTERNAL DRIVE

When one door closes, another opens. True. You’ve come into my life fast. I welcomed you easily and hoped that “it” will be consistent. Well, I guess I made the wrong move. I should have trusted my instinct. From the start, I felt something was wrong. Everything was fast but I told myself that life is full of surprises. You were one of those surprises, yes, but I thought you were one of the good ones. I thought wrong. Maybe I overanalyzed everything and I hoped for so much. I hoped that you liked me. I hoped that you found me interesting. I hoped that you wanted to know me more. I hoped that you enjoyed the times that we’re together. For some reason I hoped for these but deep in me, I know that I should not. You have no reason to be attached with me. Yes, you have none. I don’t have to enumerate my imperfections because in the past, almost everyday, I thought of them. I am exhausted frustrating myself for so long. TORTURE I think I learned how to deal with th...

I feel nothing right now but confusion and uncertainty. I have been living by the mantra, “When you want it, work on it” and I have been trying to be a living proof of that mantra as much as possible. In fact, the past three and a half years has been a journey full of that mantra – not until this day came. When I was in elementary, I dreamt of being a teacher and almost everyday of my life at that age, I tried to be closer to my dream. I even tried to be an instant teacher. I wrote on the walls of my room, called my sisters for my lecture, used a stick to point at the board, gave quizzes and dismissed my class. As I got older, I suddenly wanted to be a doctor. I do not know how it came to my mind. I just blurted out that one day, I will become one until high school came. During high school, I then wanted to be a lawyer – again, for no certain reason. All I knew was that I liked to be one. Then, alas! Fate led me to pursue a health-related degree and not a long time from n...

They say MOTHERS KNOW BEST. I have to disagree with this sometimes but one thing is certain for me – MOTHERS CARE BEST . After about more than a month, my mother arrived here from the province. She brought not only REAL FOOD but also a bunch of stories from home and a lot of questions as well. Like we always do, we talked over lunch and dinner. We shared stories and yes, it’s as if we do not talk over the phone because we really rarely do. I’m not a fan of having to elaborate stories over the phone or through messaging. It’s just that it’s hard to describe things when your facial expressions and gestures are not seen by who you’re talking to. Anyway, it was indeed a juicy talk. We discussed some serious matters like academics and my sister’s adjustment here in the city but we discussed more not-so-serious things like the Maroon 5 concert,  the UAAP Cheerdance Competition, the last Nursecissism, and others. That was the story part. The question part? Well, she just ask...

I find it hard to work when I’m at the peak of my emotions. That is why I allotted time to publish this entry and release how happy I am right now. One of the best things I learned in college is teamwork. I admit, in high school and even in my earlier years in college, I felt that I was most efficient working alone. I preferred doing things my way in my time. I did not want control and I did not care about how others will do what. However, college life exposed me enough to reality: No man is an island. In our college, we are trained to work as and with a team. I did not like having to deal with different personalities but certain people from my batch taught me how to be a team player. I experienced how they treat each one of us as equals. They showed that no contribution is considered less than another. They considered every effort from the batch significant. They did their part for the batch. They gave their all. They did this even in our earlier years unlike me, w...

Pakiramdam ko, may mali. Pakiramdam ko, ang bilis ng lahat. Pero baka feeler lang ako. Talaga lang sigurong mahilig akong magduda sa mga bagong taong dumadating sa buhay ko. Dati-rati, hindi naman tayo ganito ka-close. Dati, isa ka lang sa mga kakilala ko. Isa ka lang sa mga schoolmates ko. Isa ka lang sa mga nasasalubong ko sa corridor. Pero bakit dahil lang sa isang pagkakataon, biglang parang may nagbago. Parang may naglevel-up. Kung dati, nagbabatian lang tayo kapag nagkakasalubong, ngayon, ang tagal nating mag-usap magkasama man tayo o hindi. Kung dati, nagkikita lang tayo dahil nagkataong imbitado tayo sa iisang event, ngayon, nagkakayayaan tayong gawin ang mga normal na bagay kahit walang event.  Kumbaga dati, nagkakausap at nagkikita lang tayo dahil sa kone-koneksyon sa ibang tao. Ngayon, nagkikita at nag-uusap tayo nang tayo lang. Hindi ko alam kung ba’t ganon. Siguro dahil nag-eenjoy lang tayo na pareho tayong bago sa isa’t isa. Siguro dahil pareho lang tayong w...

Tulad ng dati, papers night ko ulit kagabi dahil wala akong nagawa buong araw noong isang araw. Buti na lang nakayanan kong maging gising magdamag dahil iyon din ang huling gabi ng isa sa mga kaibigan ko sa Pilipinas bago lumuwas ang pamilya nila papuntang America. Okay na rin sa akin na nagkaroon pa 'ko ng ilang oras para makakulitan or makaasaran siya. Hindi buong batch namin ng high school e nagkaroon ng ganoong pagkakataon. Hindi naman kami sobrang sobrang sobrang close pero apektado akong umalis siya. Sa totoo lang, naiyak pa’ko noong mga huling oras na kausap ko sya. At least, napatunayan kong hindi lang paghihiwa ng sibuyas ang makakapagpaiyak sa akin (see Nagbalat lang ako ng sibuyas... ) Masasabi kong hindi kami sobrang sobrang sobrang close kasi hindi naman kami masyadong nagkakausap nang seryoso kaya hindi ko rin alam kung ano ang tumatakbo sa isip nya tungkol sa mga bagay-bagay pero masasabi kong close kami kasi mas madalas naman kaming hindi nagkakasundo (o pabirong...

Again, this is a night for my... PAPERS! What else, right? At least for now, the bulk has been less than before but the thought of fatigue has always been the same. I usually think that I have given more than enough  and that I deserve to take a break. Of course that is true but I tend to think that way more often than I should.  This semester, when I have something to do, I tell myself, "You poor little child. You've been through a lot the past hours. Have a rest please." Unsurprisingly, my id has been consistently convincing lately. I sleep even though I just meant nap. I intend to wake up an hour after but still I wake up five hours later, thus giving me an hour or two to do those papers before I go on duty~ and this is the part I hate the most. CRAMMING. This is my major problem as of now because I know I could do better. I blame my lack of motivation and the sense of fatigue for this but fortunately, I am not supposed to lament about that for now.  I just fo...